This letter was found a few days ago as my mom was cleaning out files. Simon had written it to my parents about six months after we married. We wanted to move to California to be closer to my family and start one of our own. They had also loaned us some money as a…

I was unloading a myriad of frustrations to my therapist recently, which is one of the beautiful offerings of therapy. It’s a safe place to dump feelings without judgement. Most of the issues had to do with interpersonal relationships and my desire to fix what seems broken. She interrupted me with an incredulous face and…

After completing the 1500 mile drive from Dallas to Los Angeles for the fourth time in July 2005, I vowed to never do that drive again. As much as I adore Texas and as much as I loved Simon, I stated that flying would be the only acceptable transportation method for any future trips between…

Our beloved, feisty, too-smart-for-her-own-good middle child turns six today. She caused significantly more nausea and hormonal discontent during my pregnancy than her brother did. She came in to this world a week early yet still weighed a staggering 10lbs., 2 oz. She has thick, wild, glorious chestnut brown hair, bright blue eyes, and fair skin…

It has been nearly seven months since Simon’s passing. Looking back, I have definitely experienced four out of the five stages of grief – denial, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. What’s hitting now is the last stage: depression and sadness. By God’s mercy, I’m not experiencing a clinical or incapacitating depression. But it feels like a…

My birthday was on February 17th. I turned 34. On last year’s birthday, my big goal was to tone up and look good in a bathing suit. This year, I’m trying to figure out how to rebuild my life. It’s a pretty stark contrast. Simon was great about making me feel special on the big…

Of the special days and events that trigger heavy feelings over the loss of Simon, Valentine’s Day is NOT one of them. Simon absoutely hated all things commercialized and corporate. If it smelled of marketing, if it sounded like a salespitch, if it looked like big business – he was out. He loathed McDonald’s. He…

Shortly after Simon and I married, he wanted a dog. I was okay with the idea while he was adamant. We visited a local no-kill shelter where we could take our time making a decision. I found a docile dachshund mix that liked to be cuddled. Simon found a hyper chihuahua mix with a recently…

It has been six months since Simon died. A lot can happen in that amount of time. We fell in love and got engaged within six months. In six months, our babies went from helpless infants to chubby babies that could smile, sit up, and show affection. We purchased, remodeled, and moved into our first…

Simon was very clear in expressing that he did not want me to stop living when he died. He did not want life to be stalled in a state of sorrow. And, as much as possible, we have tried to balance grief and find joy. We still attend weekly therapy, individually and as a family.…

Our baby turns three today.  Birthdays are going to be hard. We made cards for all of the children’s future birthdays and milestones.  As the baby gets her birthday card from Dad today, and as the kids receive these cards year after year, I hope it reminds of love and not loss. Many encouraged us…

My middle daughter and I just returned from a week in Texas. She was able to spend quality time with Simon’s family in Atlanta. There were tea parties, crafts, goat feedings, movies, slumber parties, and playdates. She could not stop talking about all the fun she had. I asked if it made her miss her…

When someone you love dies, discovering things they had, said, or did become all the more sacred. This concept is especially on my mind because it is a new year. For Simon, a new year meant new goals.  Every January, he would type out very specific goals for the year, often broken down to each…

My lack of blogging, Facebooking, replying to texts, and anything else I’ve slacked on the past week has simply been because we have been enjoying life.  Christmas moved slowly for us, but in a way that allowed us to savor the moments, not dwell on loss.  I have truly felt present.  Present for the kids…

With Christmas rapidly approaching, I have been bracing myself for overwhelming sadness and the consuming ache of loss. It hasn’t come. Let me be clear.  I miss Simon like crazy.  The absence of my husband, his parents’ son, his siblings’ brother, and the kids’ father is real. It hurts everyday.  I cry often. At inopportune times.  I…

My son and I just returned from Dallas. This was my fourth trip to the Lone Star State in four months. Our reason for being there was intense: Simon was supposed to be the best man in his best friend’s wedding. The same best friend that introduced us nearly 14 years ago. The same friend…

I had decided that Christmas was canceled this year.  I’m not the type to wallow and have a pity party to last through the holidays, but celebrating Christmas with our newly fractured family was more than I could wrap my mind around.  We were just beginning to establish traditions with our kids.  Last year, we…

A noticeable change in my demeanor since Simon’s illness and death has been my desire to make new friends.  It’s just not there. When the man I loved was slipping away from life, all I wanted to do was cling to the familiar. Be with those who knew us.  Process with others who had faced…

I have been dealing with the worst cold and sinus infection of my life since late August. To make sure there wasn’t an underlying issue, I had a chest x-ray, extensive blood work, and two rounds of antibiotics.  The diagnosis: healthy woman with a persistent cold that will clear up in its own time. The…

It finally happened.  I had prayed I would meet a local widow with children who experienced her loss recently.  It’s a club no one wants to be a part of but other members are grateful for the connection.  There is a deep comfort and familiarity when you meet someone in the same life stage.  It’s…

It has been three months since Simon took his last breath and nearly five months since the doctors delivered the devastating diagnosis.  There is still a wide variety of emotions in our home, but we are making notable progress in our journey. For me, I’m becoming more bold in my role as a single mom and widow.  I…

Simon worked for Amtrak and loved it. He operated the cafe car on board the train for four years and we would ride with him a few times a year. I have been gearing up to ride the train again, as part of the emotional healing process. Today was the day. It was intentional. It was cathartic.…

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Simon disliked matching or coordinating clothes with us (or anyone).  If we happened to be wearing similar colors on a date or to church, he would be the first to change. He didn’t like to dress too flashy or too formal or too accessorized. But then there was Halloween.  Something clicked there and it was…

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  Not a single hour.  It’s simply stated in…

One of the emerging themes that has come up during weekly therapy sessions has been balance.  The need for balance.  The importance of balance. It’s a daily goal, in practical ways and for broad concepts. And while it’s something to strive for, I also have to remember I don’t have control. God does.  I can…

Today would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. I KNOW.  I was so proud when we made it past the six month mark of dating, which was a personal record.  Then each year passed and our marriage became more complex, stronger, and better.   A dear friend is getting me, my mom, and the kids into Disneyland…

As I was filling out a prayer card at church today, I noticed something in the demographic section that got my thought process whirling.  The only options to check were single or married.  Being single matters. Being married matters. We all matter.  But it bothered me. It bothered me because, if relationship status matters, I desire to have…

My older daughter and I flew to Texas for the tenant’s wedding this past weekend.  Before Simon got sick, we had out-ruled attending her wedding due to finances and because it was so close to our own anniversary.  Finances worked out and unfortunately there were now no conflicting anniversary plans, so I jumped at the…

This is a two part post about a reconciled friendship.  Part One is my version and can be found here. Part Two is a guest post from the best friend’s perspective. Life is fragile and precious and fleeting.  Holding onto hurt just isn’t worth it. No matter how deep rooted, no matter how big and…

When I was seven years old, I met my best friend. She was new to our school and we just clicked. Between school and church, we spent six days a week together for years. Often, we would beg our mothers to let us hang out on Saturdays because we would miss each other. We thought…