The last blog update I posted here was in August 2019. Presently, we are all doing well, still happily living in Texas with frequent visits to California. The kids are ages 10, 13, and 15. Jason and I are approaching seven years of marriage. So much has happened in the world since August 2019 that writing anything was not a priority and frankly, nothing I could convey felt like it would be comforting or impactful in the chaos over the past two years.
I have been feeling BIG FEELINGS lately; enough so that I had to write it all out. That urge to write hasn’t hit me that strong in a long while. Perhaps this nudging to put pen to paper (or words on a screen) was for you today.
It’s hard to pinpoint the root cause of the swell of emotions. Some of the culprits are the fatigue of the seemingly-never-ending pandemic, the beautiful and dramatic change of seasons here in Texas, resuming regular mental health therapy, raising children that are rapidly becoming adults, and perhaps just some good old fashioned hormone fluctuations. Hello 40s!
I do know this: the feelings often boil down to this statement, Someone I Love Died. Someday, someone you love will die, if that someday isn’t already here. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. My first husband and the father of my children, Simon, died in 2014. Every day, I wake up without him. Every day, our children wake up with just memories of him. As you can obviously conclude, it affects us deeply. Yet, even in the intrinsic sadness and overwhelming grief, this tragedy has empowered me more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve read analogies about broken hearts bursting and as time passes, the love from that healing heart emerges deeper, wider, and more profound. I believe it.
I was blessed with another love in this lifetime. In remarriage, I love my husband in tender ways I hadn’t learned to love Simon yet. (And honesty alert, I am for sure more short-tempered to said husband than I was to Simon. Hence the return to therapy and MY BIG FEELINGS.) In parenting, the annoyances and frustrations that childrearing can yield are far overshadowed by my intense affection for them. When I do feel joy, it is brighter and fuller than the joy I felt before loss. I want to proclaim love more. I want to tangibly show love more.
I have been asked, more than once, if I could go back in time and choose the path I did, including marrying someone with some significant health issues and an unknown future, would I do it? Yes, I would. The darkness and sadness and sorrow exist alongside the light and delight and happiness. I’m so thankful to be married to a man who gives me space and support to have these big feelings and to express my grief. Grief magnifies all of these feelings, and they are welcome here.
What are you doing with your BIG FEELINGS today? If you’re anything like me, you know those big feelings can’t be ignored. Embrace them. Challenge them. Use them to move forward with positive change.