Our Honeymoon – The Yogurt and The Glasses
Our wedding was near perfect in our opinion. We had hundreds of friends and family attend our ceremony and reception in California on a breezy October afternoon in 2004. We had an additional reception in Texas a week later. We spent our wedding night in a hotel near LAX since we would be leaving for Hawaii the next morning. I’ll spare you the wedding night details but will say one of our cherished memories was checking our phone messages in the morning and hearing a message left at 1 AM from a dear friend who couldn’t sleep and was “checking in” to make sure “everything worked out okay.” We called our buddy back and assured him it “all worked out just fine.” We love our friends.
We spent a relaxing week on the island of Kauai in a spacious condo near the clear ocean. Simon had ordered an extravagant flower arrangement upon arrival because that’s the kind of stuff newlyweds do. We should all do that more often. One night, we thought it would be fun to sleep on the balcony under the stars. It was exciting and romantic for about 10 minutes then we hightailed it back to the comfort and controlled environment of the master suite. We had forgotten some bed linens on the balcony so the hotel maid, who I’m sure had seen it all, wanted to make us happy and created a special bed on the balcony the next night. We didn’t take the bait but left her a generous tip for the effort.
There were many other sweet memories made in that trip. The most romantic happened at a little fruit stand called Banana Joe’s. I had been to Kauai twice before and our family would go to this stand to get frozen pineapple yogurt. It was pure frozen pineapple – homemade, fresh, and tasted like you expect Hawaii to taste. Simon drove our rented convertible to the other side of the island so I could get my yogurt fix. I waited in the car in eager anticipation while he went in. He came out empty handed. There’s only one flavor per day. I had lucked out on pineapple the prior two trips but that day’s flavor was banana. BANANA?! Horrid. I teared up and tried to hide my disappointment. Simon went back in and said he was going to grab a water. Little did I know, he was begging the owner as only a starry eyed, desperate newlywed could. The owner caved, cleaned out the machine, and made once batch of pineapple yogurt. Simon came out with a large pineapple yogurt, a heroic look of accomplishment, and a secured place in the husband achievements book for many years to come.
The one memory that really set our honeymoon into the book of epic honeymoons (and not in a good way) happened on a boat tour of the Napali Coast. Simon had never been on a fast catamaran in open waters. We quickly learned that the poor guy gets sea sick. The crew did everything they could – giving him carbonated water, having him sit in certain positions – but it didn’t help. He began vomiting over the side with dolphins trailing in the background. I hovered over him, feeling helpless, wanting so badly to relieve his discomfort. He handed me his glasses for safekeeping so he could throw up more freely. I stuffed his glasses in between my boobs and continued the new wife hovering stance. The glasses flew right out and into the middle of the ocean. Simon finished upchucking at that moment and requested his glasses back. He thought I was kidding or at least hoped I was kidding when I explained what had just happened.
The rest of the day was chaos. I wasn’t old enough to drive the rental car but had to get us back to the hotel – Simon is close to legally blind without those glasses! The concierge at the hotel was determined to help and proudly secured us an optometry appointment for five days later. We couldn’t wait five days! We weren’t even going to be on the island in five days! We called every optometrist on the island and finally got an appointment that same afternoon. We drove to the small office in a run down strip mall. The “doctor” was from Fort Worth which scored points for us. But we’re pretty sure he was high on some sort of controlled substance which deducted a few of those points. He did a very short exam on Simon, gave him a semi-accurate prescription pair of contact lenses, and encouraged us to get an “actual exam” upon our return to the mainland.