The New Normal
I am definitely in a more fragile state than I was a month ago. Simon’s absence is becoming more evident as the kids and I learn to navigate the new normal. We had a pretty consistent routine. Then he died. And we’re grieving. And we’re trying to figure out what is going to work best for our new family dynamic. The kids are back in school. I head back to work tomorrow. This past weekend was probably the worst I have felt emotionally in weeks. I must have cried 20 separate times yesterday. And the day itself went pretty smooth. It’s just so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he is gone and won’t be experiencing any more moments with us – good, bad, or otherwise.
His stuff. Looking at it makes my heart ache. Every time I open the closet, I see the shirts he would wear. The shirt he wore on our first date, the shirts he wore to church, the shirts he wore to weddings, the shirts I told him to throw out and he wouldn’t. I see his boots. I loved it when he wore his leather boots. I still find myself in disbelief that I got to marry a real, live Baptist cowboy – it was something I dreamed about and talked about since I was 16.
The medicine cabinet still holds his few toiletries. He was very simple when it came to manscaping. But he was so, so picky about deodorant. He finally settled on the Trader Joe’s Unscented Stick Deodorant and would buy three to five at a time in constant fear that it would be discontinued. He was also fanatic about flossing. I have enough dental floss in the house that I may never have to purchase any again for me or the kids in our lifetimes.
Driving around yesterday afternoon, I really lost it. Tears were flowing. The empty passenger seat was glaring at me. Simon will never sit in it again. I begged God for a sign. I know you’re here God but tell me you’re here. Tell me Simon is watching over us. Do something. Say something. It seemed so silly and so desperate. I was also losing it because every preset radio station was playing terrible, stupid music. What is going on with pop music this summer? It’s awful. I hand tuned to the easy listening station as a last ditch effort. One of Simon’s all-time favorite songs had just begun – The Tide is High by Blondie. I laughed out loud. That song is hardly ever on the radio, let alone on the easy listening station. But that’s how God rolls. He speaks to us the way we need to hear it.
Sadness is still part of our every day. But so is God. Every need is being met and it would be unfair of me to deny that. Big needs, like finances, are fine. Still in a sea of paperwork, but it’s all coming together. Subtle things are adding up to show His strong hand of provision. I had three separate occasions last week where I needed babysitting. For all three, I had separate calls from friends asking if they could help at literally the specific days and times that I needed sitters. A friend popped in the other night and swooped up the laundry that had been taunting me all week. Another friend showed up this morning so I could actually get myself and the minions to church on time. Another friend made lunch and let the kids play while we enjoyed (small) adult beverages together.
That’s where I am right now. I have more fun stories to share later, but you and I signed up to deal with all of this process. And this is the kind of ugly but necessary part. Reminding myself it’s okay to cry, even if it’s 20 times a day or in front of strangers. And reminding myself that only God can fill this void. And that it WILL get better.
cry away mama. That’s healthy and needed. I love how God shows up in music 🙂 glad He gave you that sign. And glad you have such great friends that are helping so much. <3 still thinking and praying for you and your children.
Lifting you up before Him as you travel this road, through the tears and as He shows His mercies…
I don’t have much to say other than, I am praying for you and the kids. I loved seeing other men in the church help with your sons birthday, they were doing it right. I would like to help you. Not sure how. I am back in school now with class all day Tues/Thurs. I could do a meal on another day or is there something else I could help with. You and the kids could come over here for a meal. Up to you. I am trying to figure out something. Let me know if you have any ideas. For today, I will keep praying.
Crying with you here at Starbucks. P.S. send some floss over, we run out quickly! Love you!
An old song comes to mind “He WashedMy Eyes With Tears, song talks about a lot of things but it washes us and Another Song, Tears Are a Language God Understands. I will pray for you as you return to work that you will be strengthened
Cry and call me when the adult beverage count gets low. I can fix that.
We are still in prayer for you and the kids daily. We can’t do much from where we are, but we can always shower you with our prayers — just know they are there!
Jake & Amanda Bickham
Praying for you and the children.
I love you so much and I don’t even know you sweet girl. If I could I would drive to your house and just hug you and cry with you. As long as it takes. Your life and story has become a part of my heart. Love, love, love you.
Love you and your sweet family!!!!!! He has big plans for you, it’s all in the making. Wish we could see into the future at times just to “make sure” it would all be worked out as we hope it does. Your faith is a testament to me Kristy, your unwavering faith. I see it and it blows me away.
Cry away all you want, it’s normal. Saying prayers for you now!
You continue to be honest and we value that. You are able to touch so many when you are yourself. A good lesson for all of us who tend to hide the hard times and cautiously show the good ones. Love you and praying for you.
I still pray for you and your sweet little ones. You’ve got such a testimony in the making every day! You’ve got great friends, a wonderful church family and an Amazing God who are all walking by your side on this journey you’re on. Love you much, K-Spice!
Girl, just saw this. Praying for y’all constantly. I know Simon is watching over y’all. ❤️ I love y’all.
You really make life make sense with every blog. Praying