Garbage-Worthy Fears
I plan to ask Simon what his fears are in this journey, but my guess is that he has very few. He has always been more confident in his faith and in his fate than I have.
I have big and small fears, but I know the fears are just thoughts, not reality. I’m going to list the fears since this blog is free therapy, so that you’ll know I’m far from perfect, and because it’s time to squash them. It’s time to move on and away from these time wasting, joy sucking thoughts. God has provided for me, for us, and for these kids always. He would not stop now. Or ever. Because He loves us and He loves you.
Fear: I have a fear that the kids will turn out screwed up or feel they have less worth if they don’t have a father.
Reality: My two best friends from college did not have father figures for a good portion of their growing up years and they are the most rad, most ambitious, and most loving girls I have ever met. I can’t tell you how many other parents AND children I know from single parent households that are ah-mazing. Is having two parents, or a whole house of loving people, better? Probably. But we have community. We have friends and family that would do anything they could to help nurture our kids and support our needs. This fear leads into my next fear…
Fear: I have a fear that I will be less worthy if I am not someone’s wife
Reality: Bull-honky. Yes, marriage is sacred and (mostly) wonderful. And this extrovert hates being alone. But singleness is a calling too and thinking that I would be less worthy without marriage is a slap in the face to so many beings created by God who don’t have a partner in crime. Simon loves me, He loved me when I was 50 pounds heavier, he loved me when I was hormonal, he loved me so much he moved to California, and he loves me today, even as I nag him to drink his thousand calorie shake. So if I never found love again, what on earth do I need to fear? I have love all around me. And God knows the desires of our hearts. He has the power to heal Simon and He also has the power to bring in someone crazy enough to take on the remaining four of us if He calls Simon home. So this fear goes in the trash. Today.
Fear: I have a fear of spiders
Reality: Spiders are creepy and scary. I have the resources to hire an exterminator or teach our son to man up and kill them for his mother’s sake.
Fear: I have a fear of taking care of this house by myself
Reality: My dad is a contractor. My father-in-law might as well be one, too. One of Simon’s best friends is a former plumber. Another bestie is an engineer that can fix just about anything. His other dear friend is an electrician. Another friend loves gardening and lawn care. So that fear is totally unsubstantiated. I think God is laughing at me right now for this one. In a cute, “you’re-so-silly-Kristy” kind of way. Into the garbage it goes.
Fear: I have a fear about our unknown future
Reality: Our future was unknown even before cancer. God knew our futures before we were ever born. So I have to repeat the mantra: Kristy is not in charge, God is in charge. And I need to trust Him. And repeat that mantra. And trust Him some more.
I beg God for signs because I am probably not quiet and still enough to clearly hear His voice. Working on that. But He obliges me often. This was right in front of my feet at the park. I needed that.
Simon would show me pictures of you at work and talk about how beautiful you are. That man loves you.
You amaze me.
Ooooh. This is a healthy post! Fear is a liar and an enemy! Well written!
And keep repeating ad infinitum. My mantra the last 21/2 years.
It almost seems sacrilegious to thank God for being so sweet; but he is! The peace band was not a coincidence. He is constantly sweet to me. My first memory was at age three because it was so vivid, it was the night my mom escaped my angry alcoholic father after 14 years of a living hell on earth. She left us all behind until she could bring the constable the next day to gather us to her. I prayed so fervently and faith filled today for God to removed every single cancer cell from Simon and heal him as a living testimony of the greatness of Almighty God. I’d love that. I love seeing healed Joe Orr lead worship. If God does not step in (remember, Jesus didn’t heal everyone during his time on earth), your children will have loving memories of their daddy; they will be proud of who Simon is. I’m glad to hear you voice your fears – healthy & true. If Simon precedes you into Heaven, we all will tenderly scrape you up off the floor if that is how we find you. Like a tender tree we all will come along side you and your children to help brace you against the storm. I purchased myself a very special piece of art to remind me, when/if the time comes, that God holds my ship on this worldly sea. Jesus will never leave or forsake Simon, you or your children. Didn’t mean to be so verbose but it’s how I roll.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
So glad about God’s truth Kristy!! I can’t offer much else except my heart felt love for you and your family. I do know fear, however, and I know uncertainty, but a
On the other hand, I know that God’s truth supersedes and conquers fear.
He is in control, and He knows what to do to comfort you. I hope you know that this gal loves ya! Peace!✌️✌️✌️
Kristy,
I am from Atlanta, Simon’s hometown (not the other Atlanta). I was around the Cavers a lot growing up. Such a precious family. I just want you to know your blog reaches so many. I love this one because it’s so incredibly real. We all have fears, but are not always so open to discuss them. Just know all of Atlanta is praying for you, Simon and your beautiful children. God bless you and keep you!!!
God wows me through you!!! No more joy sucking!!! I love you both!
I grew up with no dad—left my mom with 7 children (6 were at home, youngest 7, Jason) never paid but $2000 in child support and that’s it! NEVER came around. Single household, no money, thank heaven for the food supply from church which we ate from. I had no idea. I grew up in the loving church going home and never felt without. My mother was a saint!! I hope I have her courage and strength she possessed her entire life, one classy lady. You remind me (with a ton more humor than my dear mamma) of her. Extremely strong, devoted to God and her family, soldier, enduring and the list goes on Kristy. I feel that I turned out pretty good being raised by my mom. K, just a side note I thought I’d share! Hugs with you today!
Kristy you are brave and Steffani is so right! You are strong and devoted to Christ. You have a great support system..God has surrounded you with lots of loving friends and you will see that in time, you will look back and realize what God did for you throughout this really tough time. I am praying for Simon and for all of you each day. Hold fast to Jesus. I think of that song “I Am” (holding on) by David Crowder ..In the middle of the storm just hold onto Jesus…Hugs and prayers.
Most often repeated command in the bible… “do not fear.” Your post demonstrates how faith in Him will trump the enemy every time!
P.S. I think you’re pretty rad, ambitious and loving too! 🙂 Love and prayers for all…
Every time I read your honesty, I want to cry, and not from pity. I want to cry because I am so grateful for someone like you who can journey through this with vulnerability in the fears and the tough stuff. It has become so rare to see real faith, and real openness in pain. I love that you are real Kristy. God is working through you in the weaknesses and the messiness and it’s beautiful, even if we all wish it wasn’t caused by the cancer journey you are all facing. I am so humbled to read about your heart and rawness as you share. Thank you for living out your hope without hiding the emotions, we are called to hold both at times, and not suppress one for the other. Praying for you a lot lately, and so humbled. =)
Praying those fears stay squashed! And as for spiders… I’m home alone a lot and we live in and OLD house that has LOTS of holes in it that let LOTS of spiders in. I have had to learn to deal with them myself. A kleenex folded in half — or quarters — grab the spider, fold, and SQUISH! Done! Now I don’t have to call “Spider Patrol” (Kevin) anymore!!
I didn’t make it through with this one without crying. So much truth, here, friend. It is so hard not to live in the middle of the fear, but you are so right that God is the only one who knows the whole plan, the whole truth. And he loves us! Thanks for the reminder.
Kristy,
Your blog is so convicting. I am also from Atlanta, which I previously mentioned in another comment on one of your other posts. The Cavers are such a loved family in Atlanta (My dad use to teach Sunday school with your father-in-law for years and your mother in-law is good friends with my mom). Anyway, all that to say…you’re also loved by us as well.
I look forward to reading your blog because you’re such an inspiration. You’re walk with God is evident….and you’re brave, regardless of these fears you listed. This is the verse I pray over your family daily.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” -James 5:16
I pray that Simon is healed, or if God calls him home, that you and your kids will have peace that surpasses it all. He is good and will hold you and sustain you. He has your future in His hands, just like He always has. >
Fear is something we all Battle. We serve a God who has given us instead of fear, Power, Love, and a Sound Mind! You put it in great perspective. TRASH is where FEAR belongs! God bless you! Love you!
Kristy I love it that you are real. I have to be honest with my own life and ask transparent questions. Often Christians don’t want to share but all your problems are real. We script our lives and our childrens lives and if it doesn’t turn out as we imagined and be real about it it can prohibit our faith. You are a blessing Kristy.
You are such an inspiration and a wittness. Thanks for posting your thoughts. I know you are amazing and I haven’t even met you.