I plan to ask Simon what his fears are in this journey, but my guess is that he has very few. He has always been more confident in his faith and in his fate than I have.
I have big and small fears, but I know the fears are just thoughts, not reality. I’m going to list the fears since this blog is free therapy, so that you’ll know I’m far from perfect, and because it’s time to squash them. It’s time to move on and away from these time wasting, joy sucking thoughts. God has provided for me, for us, and for these kids always. He would not stop now. Or ever. Because He loves us and He loves you.
Fear: I have a fear that the kids will turn out screwed up or feel they have less worth if they don’t have a father.
Reality: My two best friends from college did not have father figures for a good portion of their growing up years and they are the most rad, most ambitious, and most loving girls I have ever met. I can’t tell you how many other parents AND children I know from single parent households that are ah-mazing. Is having two parents, or a whole house of loving people, better? Probably. But we have community. We have friends and family that would do anything they could to help nurture our kids and support our needs. This fear leads into my next fear…
Fear: I have a fear that I will be less worthy if I am not someone’s wife
Reality: Bull-honky. Yes, marriage is sacred and (mostly) wonderful. And this extrovert hates being alone. But singleness is a calling too and thinking that I would be less worthy without marriage is a slap in the face to so many beings created by God who don’t have a partner in crime. Simon loves me, He loved me when I was 50 pounds heavier, he loved me when I was hormonal, he loved me so much he moved to California, and he loves me today, even as I nag him to drink his thousand calorie shake. So if I never found love again, what on earth do I need to fear? I have love all around me. And God knows the desires of our hearts. He has the power to heal Simon and He also has the power to bring in someone crazy enough to take on the remaining four of us if He calls Simon home. So this fear goes in the trash. Today.
Fear: I have a fear of spiders
Reality: Spiders are creepy and scary. I have the resources to hire an exterminator or teach our son to man up and kill them for his mother’s sake.
Fear: I have a fear of taking care of this house by myself
Reality: My dad is a contractor. My father-in-law might as well be one, too. One of Simon’s best friends is a former plumber. Another bestie is an engineer that can fix just about anything. His other dear friend is an electrician. Another friend loves gardening and lawn care. So that fear is totally unsubstantiated. I think God is laughing at me right now for this one. In a cute, “you’re-so-silly-Kristy” kind of way. Into the garbage it goes.
Fear: I have a fear about our unknown future
Reality: Our future was unknown even before cancer. God knew our futures before we were ever born. So I have to repeat the mantra: Kristy is not in charge, God is in charge. And I need to trust Him. And repeat that mantra. And trust Him some more.
I beg God for signs because I am probably not quiet and still enough to clearly hear His voice. Working on that. But He obliges me often. This was right in front of my feet at the park. I needed that.